The Trap of Overparenting

Parenting is an incredible journey filled with joy, challenges, and moments that challenge our very soul. From the first time we hold our newborn in our arms to the bittersweet milestones of their teenage years, we're constantly navigating the delicate balance between nurturing and empowering our children

One of the greatest challenges we face as parents is knowing when to step in and when to let our children face adversity on their own. It's a dilemma that every parent grapples with at some point, and one that can have a profound impact on our children's development.

As parents, it's natural to want to shield our children, but sometimes our well-intentioned actions can inadvertently hinder their growth and development. Picture this: your sweet little 5 year old child is struggling at something and it tugs at your heart strings to see them struggle so you step in. Very quickly we have solved their problem and cleaned up the “mess”. They hug you and thank you for doing it for them. Problem solved. 

Fast forward 20 years and our unemployed 25-year-old is living in our basement eating your food, yelling up for you to buy them more soda, and to put some money in their bank account. They are unable to navigate the hurdles of adulthood.

Ok - hopefully this isn’t the result. BUT let's dig into what happens when we clear the path too much for our kids.

Our little sweet ones need to be challenged. They need to learn that they have the strength and resilience to dig deep and work through tough stuff. They need to pick themselves back up after something difficult. They need to wipe their tears, clean the mud off their face, get a little angry and try again. 

Some kids are just born with this determination but many….many need us to foster it. When my son was little he constantly tripped while walking. He was a late walker and just lacked the coordination of his peers. It was so hard to watch. My momma heart would break with those little tears, bloody knees and scraped hands. It would be so much easier to just carry him. Or make sure the path was cleared as he walked, or just go inside and protect him…and man did I want to. I wanted to rush to him every single time. BUT I realized my little uncoordinated kiddo needed this. He needed to start to dislike falling so that he’d work harder to stay on his feet. He needed to bend down, wipe his knees, and keep running to catch up. 

This didn’t mean that I wasn’t there. Cuz if this was a big fall, I was going to swoop him up into my arms and make it all better with some kisses and a good snuggle. But he needed to find his own footing. So what I did instead is start to help before he fell. 

We started using the phrase “Purposeful Steps”. It was just a little reminder to him to pay a little more attention to where his feet landed. We went out and played often without his little neighborhood buddies so that he could feel success on his own. We set up challenges to work on balance and coordination. 

Now…my 20 year old races mountain bikes and skis at a high level. He loves a good physical challenge. Had I taken all those barriers out of the way he may not have continued on that path.

In the classroom I always encouraged families to allow their children to take on challenges on their own. However, I could immediately tell from “meet the teacher” night which parents were going to over parents and which were going to encourage their kids to grow with challenges. After 20 years of teaching it was easy to recognize. The child and parent comes into the room that I have all set up. Each child has a desk spot with their name already on it. I have some paperwork and a quick little “get to know you” activity to complete. There are a few scenarios that play out.

1. The parent just sends the child out to the playground, grabs the paperwork, tells me the child is too excited to see friends and leaves as well. (Guess I’ll meet the students on the first day of school. This scenario may be a whole other blog on another day.)

2. The parent walks in with their child behind. The parent finds the desk, calls the child over and tells them to sit. The parent introduces themselves and their child to me. The parent goes on to tell me their child is gifted and bored by school and that the last teacher didn't do anything to challenge them. Or the flip side - sharing many reasons why they haven’t done well in school up to this point. The parent asks me some questions about expectations for homework, field trips, volunteer opportunities etc.. The parent says they will email me the other questions they have. (And they do, I get the email that evening.) The parent completes the paperwork and activity for the child, thusly checking all the boxes and being a super involved parenting and making sure that I know it.

3. The child walks into the classroom first and the parent encourages them to find their name on their desk. The parent sits next to them while the child goes through the paperwork on the desk. The parent asks questions about it. They both sit and look around the room and talk about things on the wall and other kids in the class while completing the paperwork and tasks together with the child doing the work themselves. I walk over to introduce myself and ask a few questions. The parent lets the child answer the questions filling in only when needed. The child asks if they can go out and play on the playground. The parents says yes and they discuss how long the play session will last.  

Please know these three scenarios are very generalized and there are so many variations of each. BUT take just a moment and put yourself in each. (Even if you homeschool, you can apply these scenarios)

Our kids will follow our lead, if we take away challenges and obstacles they will assume that will continue for life. If we let them trip and fall a few times, they will learn to use purposeful steps. They will get up, wipe off their knees and continue. They need to see your confidence in their “pick themselves back up skills” so that they will have confidence as well. 

How to help:

Here are some quick ways to start pushing them a bit while taking an adult step back to let them handle the situation themselves:

• Start by encouraging a growth mindset. When something comes up that is challenging and they want to give up or say they can’t. Talk it out. Talk about how it might be challenging right now, but with a little practice it can be accomplished. Use the word “yet” in regular conversation. “I can’t do that…yet.”

• Set goals with your child.  Start small with goals that can be achieved quickly. Then acknowledge these goals and celebrate them. (Simple celebrations: check it off, gold star, little dance party.)

• Do challenging things as a family. Set a goal for an evening walk that includes a hill or set of stairs. Do a family puzzle. Learn a few sentences in a foreign language. 

• Talk about challenges, talk about failures, talk about wins together often. Make them an everyday conversation. Don’t forget to share your stories too. Hearing how you had a challenge and dealt with it and learned from it will encourage them.

• Give your child responsibilities and trust in their ability to complete them. A few simple chores around the house. Building as it becomes age appropriate. Setting them up in ways to empower them. Let them plan dinner, ask them what the family should do for a free Saturday afternoon, let them look up and decide what book will be read next at bedtime.

Being a parent is so hard. I think the hardest job there is. BUT it’s also the most important. We are raising the future generation. The ones that will be entrepreneurs, inventors, spiritual leaders, teachers, writers, moms and dads…and we need them to be able to handle a little adversity…a few roots and logs in the trail - so to speak. Yeah - they may still trip - but it’s all about getting back up and learning a lesson in the process. 

You got this!!!

PS I still use the words ‘purposeful steps’ with my son because it applies to so much.